Valhalla

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VALHALLA


"This is Valhalla, " Olga grunts as she takes you into a huge dining hall.  You look around instantly recognising some of the people in the hall.

"That guy forwarded me a link to the website this adventure is on, " you muse looking at one odd looking dude in the corner touching himself.

Looking around you see some pirates you once knew... a girl from the desert... some companions from Atlantis...  a cross dressing Scotsmen (talking animatedly to a Scottish Leprechaun) even a few Bobbitts and angry looking puppies.

Everyone is drinking mead and eating large fire-roasted turkey drumsticks.  There is laughter, merriment.  Yet not everyone seems happy.

"Olga, " a green eyed beauty says coldly looking at your guide.
"Hilda, " the valkyrie responds in an equally cold tone.

For a while all is quiet.

"Olga, he is destined to serve this adventure with me, "  Hilda snaps.
"- but I was to be his... uh... guide... " Olga responds.

"Girls, don't fight over me, " you say, "I'll decide who I'll go with..."

• Choose Hilda
• Choose Olga
• Choose to explore by yourself.
• Ask the Scottish Leprechaun to escort you.

Shrug

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SHRUG

All you can do is shrug- taking out your mouth piece under water would be a really foolish thing to do.

Hilda studies you for a while and then casually says- "No, I think you're innocent.  Still, it may be wise to take you to Atlantis where you can stand proper trial."

Hilda leads you away by the hand towards the sound of the drum beats- she leads you down into a dark cave- but there is a light at the other end... hand in hand you swim towards the light and emerge in an underground oasis...

... ATLANTIS... there beneath the waves - in a giant cave- the city sits surrounded by a transparant bubble.

"He's all yours Meb!"  Hilda announces as she hands you over to a burly guard at the entrance to the city.

"Cooorm wud meee" Meb croaks as he leads you to the air lock in the gate.  Meb lacks the tail of the mermaid but appears to have gills on his neck that allows him to breath underwater.

• Enter Atlantis

Take a hike Hilda

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"TAKE A HIKE HILDA!"

Hilda is not amused by your comment. 

"I sentence you to death by puppy!" she screams before punching you square between the eyes.  You are knocked out almost instantly.

• Serving out the "Death By Puppy" sentence

Killing the Bobbitt's puppy

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KILLING THE BOBBITT'S PUPPY


What a sweet little puppy.  What wide mournfull eyes.  The puppy's tail wags pleasantly as it looks at you giving a playfull bark.

Summoning up all the strength you have you lift your knife and....

Oh you foul person.  I hope you die a million deaths for what you did to the poor innocent puppy.

The Bobbitt's are pleased though- they are whooping and cheering and singing something that sounds like Chiquitita.


"Congratulations!"  the head Bobbitt tells you "you have passed the test- you have slain that foul evil demon before it transformed and slayed you.  "Now, how can I help you?"

• "I want to know who I am; can you help me discover my true purpose?"
• "I want adventure, got any tasks or missions I can complete?"
• "How do I get back to the surface?"
• "Do you have any more puppy's I can kill?"

The Messiah

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THE MESSIAH

The girl, Hilda, looks at you with her green-on-green eyes and studies you carefully.

"It was prophesized the man who will lead us to freedom would walk into the desert wearing a robe and holding a magic eight ball.  He would have no memory of being the chosen one.  He would survive attacks from the giant sand slugs and have a 12 inch winkel.  "  she blushes slightly.

"What do you say?"  she asks, "do you want to be tested to see if you are the messiah?"

• "Sure I've never been tested for being a Messiah before!"
• "Wait, before I commit... how exactly are you going to test me?"
• "I don't know about that.  I don't really want to be anyone's messiah."

Robo Librarians

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ROBO LIBRARIAN


The action is swift and immediate.  At the first sign of foul-play you are lifted high in the air by robotic arms and thrown to the ground with a thud.

You are circled by not one, not two, but three psychotic robo librarians. 

"We are trained to kill any that act inappropriately" they say in a robotic voice.  "We see all in our domain."  Large robotic feet in cloggish shows stomp you repeatedly and the smell of mothballs from the robot's clothes assaults your nose.

Your last vision is a robotic hand reaching down to your face- smashing through your skull to remove your brain.

• Die

Swim to Shore

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SWIM TO SHORE

It's your only chance.  You have to try swimming to shore.  You dive into the water and watch the boat slowly sinking behind you.  You swim and swim until you are utterly exhausted.

You're not sure if it is an illusion, a mirage, a mental condition, or reality- up ahead you sea a cute tiny puppy riding on the back of a dolphin.  The dolphin leads a pod of other dolphins.

Could it be?  Yes, you'd recognise it anywhere- that is the puppy you threw in the water.

Surely such a miracle you've never seen before... nor shall you see again.  The puppy growls and leaps off the dolphins back and sinks it's fangs into your jugular.  The dolphin pod join in the frenzy and you are ripped apart by many teeth.

• Die

I am the Messiah

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I AM THE MESSIAH

"HERETIC" the girl screams as she pulls out a short 2cm long knife from her pocket.  "This is the tooth of a baby sand slug- and now I shall slay you with it.  Moo Dibs would never admit he is the messiah."

Slowly- tiny cut at a time, the girl slices you into ribbons.

• Die

Reasoning With The Scotsman

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REASONING WITH THE SCOTSMAN


You try to appeal to Mr. McLander's more sensible side.  You ask for mercy and explain your predicament.  You even explain how you too once dressed up as a woman for halloween.  This at least seems to appease the Scotsman momentarily.

Finally you see him shed a few tears.  "Sonny, Ah almost killed ye. Ah teel ye whit, I'll lit ye bide if ye kill a puppy fur me. I dornt hae th' heart but it main die."

He pauses a second for you to digest this and then explains "Th' puppy is evil Ah teel ye. eeeeevviiiilllll!"

• Kill the puppy
• Refuse to kill the puppy

The Museum Of The Damned

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THE MUSEUM OF THE DAMNED


The museum of the damned.  Interesting place to visit.  A white stoned building with blood stains scattered across the front.

You can tell this place was once very popular, it has an electricity in the air.  You wonder how everything in this town got to be how it is; so cold, so deserted, it is like nothing you have seen before.

Exhibits a-plenty.  Torture devices.  Dead bodies preserved in giant vats.  Exhibits of the undead, although all the undead-characters are missing.  An exhibit on murderous robo-librarians designed to kill those that try to seduce them.


"Psssssstttttt!"  You look over to your right and there is a Nordic beauty wearing nothing but a bikini.  "Did Björn send you?"

Not wanting to disappoint you nod your head.  "This way, " she says, "and quickly...  oh and keep your eyes off me."

• Follow the girl
• Grab the girl inappropriately
• Stay where you are

Ask the Bobbitts about ABBA

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ASK THE BOBBITTS ABOUT ABBA


"Excuse me, do you little people know anything about ABBA?  Do you know any good ABBA songs"

The horde of little people around you glare.

"ABBA!!!!!!! " shrieks one...  "He must die- he blasphemes us Bobbitts!"

The Bobbitts gather around you, knives drawn and pin you down whilst they cut off part of your anatomy... they then chuck it down your throat and wait for you to choke on it...

• die

Hiding in the cabin

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HIDING IN THE CABIN

Like the yellow-bellied chicken that you are you run to a cabin and quickly bar the door.  It isn't long before the door crashes down and two burly pirates come charging in.

"Ahoy, me hearty" they say, noting that cliché's are very much appreciated in this blog.
"Polly Want a Cracker" the parrot on his shoulder chips in.

"Arg, you be da one da capt'ns bin lookin' fur na doubt."
"The Captain?"
"Aye, Captain Björn Anderson, sum know 'im as Captain chestnut-brown beard with highlights.  You will come wid us or die."

• Go willingly with the pirates
• Grab a sword and fight the pirates
• Try to appeal to the pirate's more gentle nature to let you go

I don't know my name

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"I DON'T KNOW MY NAME"


"Hmmm... well travelling between the land of the living and the land of the dead CAN cause amnesia for some folk.  I just hope you're not Björn Anderson.  I left my puppy behind in the land of the living and I'm told some fool named Björn killed him!"

"I tell you what, I'll let you into the afterlife as you don't know your name or religion.  Norse was the correct answer by the way for religion- anything else and I'd have had to kill you. "

The little man with the bulbous nose smiles gently at you.  Then he claps his hands and yells "OLGA!!!!!"

A strong attractive Valkyrie appears out of the darkness.

"Ahhh, there you are Olga, please escort this man to Valhalla."

• Wait!  Don't take me to Valhalla!  I am Björn Anderson, I just remembered.
• Go with Olga to Valhalla.

Scuba Diving

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SCUBA DIVING

Diving below the surface you swim... deeper and deeper.

Somewhere down below you hear thumping drum beats that are disturbingly unlike anything from ABBA.  The sound travels through the warm ocean currents and you try to follow the sound.

"Halt!" a sploooshy, burbling sound greats you.

In absolute amazement you stare at a beautiful green-eyed mermaid ahead of you.

"My name is Hilda, I am looking for a man named Björn Anderson who has reportedly drowned a puppy in these waters is that you?"

• Shrug.
• Take out your air piece and state categorically that you deny having anything to do with any puppy drownings.

Waiting for Hilda

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WAITING FOR HILDA


You decide to wait for Hilda to reappear- it doesn't look like she's going to show and there appears little purpose in waiting longer.  After what seems like hours she still hasn't appeared.  You really need to pee and there isn't bathroom in sight.

Looking out the window you glance across the street to the hall of insults.  That might be a fun place to visit.

• Keep Waiting
• Visit The Hall Of Insults
• Go to the Museum of the damned.
• Seduce the robo-librarian
• Randomly and against the grain of the story go to Zagreb

Bailing Out The Boat

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BAILING OUT THE BOAT

You frantically start pumping water out the boat with your hands.  It's a tough job though.  The boat is filling quicker than you can empty the water.

Sharks are circling your boat, enticed by the blood from a puppy that has just been eaten off to the side of your boat.  Wait, that was YOUR puppy- the one YOU carelessly, and callously threw into the water.

YOU BAR-STEWARD!

When all hope is nearly lost a mermaid with a harpoon gun appears at your side.

"Hi, I'm Hilda" she says.  "I can rescue you, but you have to swear to me never to hurt another puppy."

• Tell Hilda "Take a hike."  You can deal with the sharks yourself
• Agree to Hilda's demands
• Wrestle the harpoon gun from Hilda's hands

Not The Messiah

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NOT THE MESSIAH

The Girl introduces herself to you as Hilda.  She is disappointed you are not the messiah, but she's glad you're a very naughty boy.

You spend the next four hours in a marathon session being naughty together.

"That was fun Hilda!" you tell her breathless from your exertions, "but don't you think it was rather juvenile of us putting flaming dog poo in brown paper bags on peoples doorsteps, ringing the door bell and then running away?"

You really hit it off with Hilda and are glad you met a companion for your travels.

• "Now that I know you Hilda, I want you to know I really am the Messiah"
• "Who is this Messiah you were looking for Hilda?"
• Randomly split from this story line and end up in Zagreb

Running From The Scotsman

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RUNNING FROM THE SCOTSMAN

That McLander bloke sure is scary.  You don't know what's scarier, his sword or his matching designer heels and handbag.  Either way you know what you need to do... run!


You take off running and hear a bloodcurdling scream from behind you.  You turn round and see you are being chased not by one, but by a dozen burly Scotsmen in women's clothing.  Some have woad-blue skin.  It colour co-ordinates with the blue in their tartans.

Fortunately their high heels slow them down and you're able to outrun them.  A Scottish leprechaun smiles up at you as you round a craggy hillside:  "Gae that way" he says pointing up to the mountains.  You're not so sure, they look cold and foreboding.

Much more appealing, a vast desert spreads out to the distant west- smelling vaguely of cinnamon.  A small cave in the hills to the east looks like a potential place to take a rest and hide from the snowfall and the Scotsmen.  To the south you see a port.

• Head into the mountains
• Head to the desert
• Hide in the cave
• Go to the port

Hay in a cave

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HAY IN A CAVE


"Look uplander!  Never question the author.  If the author wants to have hay in a cave- or toast landing butter-side up, or even oil lamps running in a ghost town with no one to refill them he will do it. "

The little creature-man glares at you wagging his finger at you in a telling-manner.

• continue

The Bobbitt

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THE BOBBITT


"Welcome to the land of the bobbitt's uplander.  We are bobbitt's", he gestures to the short stocky creatures all around him.

"We live in the middle-of-the-earth.  This is our home.  We have seen your kind before.  Some are good; some are evil.  Before we let you live you must pass the test.  Fail and we cut you into pieces- starting with that little thing between your legs. LONG LIVE THE BOBBITTS!"

The cheer is reverberated around the whole room.

One bobbitt disappears into a side room and appears moments later carrying a knife and a cute innocent puppy dog.

"Now, for the test, " the presumed lead bobbitt announces.  He places the puppy on the table in front of you.

"This puppy is a foul evil demon.  Rid us of this demon- kill the puppy."

• Kill the puppy
• What?  Are you nuts?  It's a puppy not an evil demon- surely the test is to not wontonly kill innocent creatures.  Refuse to kill the puppy.

Björn Anderson

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BJÖRN ANDERSON

The little man looks at you with a look of shock on his face.

"THE Björn Anderson?"
"Ummm.... I guess so."
"YOU FILTHY SCUM- LOW DOWN BAR-STEWARD!!!!!!!!"

Something tells you, you picked the wrong name.

"YOU KILLED MY PUPPY!!!!!!!!!" the man with the bulbous nose screams at you- a murderous look on his face.


You look around believing that you should run away and escape this lunatic but you have a dead-leg.

He pulls out a large thorny club that was hidden within his pants and proceeds to beat you with it.  You feel your life slipping away.  This isn't a mistake you're going to make again... that's for sure.

• die

Stay On The Boat

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STAY ON THE BOAT

You give the puppy a pat on the head before giving the life boat a push.

The puppy wags his tail appreciatively.

Unfortunately, lost at seas with no food or water, and no sea survival skills- you have condemned that puppy to a slow painfull death from hunger and thirst.

Still, at least for now you can feel good about yourself in your last moments alive.  You look around as the boat sinks... 

You can tread water for only so long...

... you get tired... tired... and slowy... give up...  you shall drown... but at least that puppy get's to live a few more days... a few hunger and thirst dominated days... living in agony...

... poor puppy.

• die

Eaten By The Sand Slug

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EATEN BY THE SAND SLUG

Really?!?!?

You want to be eaten?   You are one weird puppy!

Very well... You are eaten, digested, then pooped into the sand.  Au Revoir sucker!

• die

The Mountains

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THE MOUNTAINS

This is the last time you'll listen to a Scottish leprechaun!  It's still blummin' freezing.  Frost bite is claiming parts of your body you didn't know existed.

Your eyeballs turn to iceballs.  Your toes rattle around in your boots snapped from the foot.  It's so cold even the magic 8-ball is frozen... you try shaking it but the liquid is frozen on "ask me again later".  It's colder than Sarah Palin's hoo-haa.

You feel your energy depart... you're about to die when...




... just kidding... You die.

• die

Life Boat

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LIFE BOAT


Like the cowardly chicken you are, you decide to flee, jumping in the only puppy-free lifeboat you can find.
You notice the name, the HMS Lifeboat Björn Anderson.  A fine sounding lifeboat name.

The boat makes a "splooosh" sound as it lands softly in the water.

You drift for days tired, hungry and thirsty before finally you come adrift on a tropical island.  The island appears unpopulated, but there is plenty of water and plenty of crabs to eat.  You spent the next few days regaining strength and pondering your future.

On the third day on the island you see a cruise ship sailing past the island.

• Set a signal fire.
• Hide, cruise ships are scary.
• Ask the magic 8-ball if you should signal the cruise ship.  (you should know better by now)

Fernandoville Library

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FERNANDOVILLE LIBRARY


The library at Fernandoville is quite a spooky place.  Completely deserted except for a robotic animatronic librarian behind the desk with cold metalic eyes.  The librarian appears programed to periodically raise a finger to her mouth and say "splooosh!"  You assume "splooosh" is the result of a voice-box malfunction and she intends to say "shhhhh!"  Splooosh sounds more like a feminine cleaning product to you.

The library is dark, oil lamps light up the room in a flickering dim light.  You decide to overlook the obvious plot twist that if this is a ghost town, who the splooosh, is refilling the oil lamps?

You look through some of the books on the shelves; you are struck by how odd some of the titles are:

"Decapitation for dummies"
"How to haunt the living"
"Bloodsucking"
"Magic 8-Balls and their ability to bring you back from the dead"
"Encyclopedia of Hollywood vampires that wern't complete wusses like most are in modern vampire flicks"
"The history of ABBA"
"Dracula's High Stakes"
"The origin of the word 'Splooosh'"

Intrigued you pick up the heavy 600 page book "The origin of the word 'Sploosh'" and a note falls to the floor.

"My dear friend Björn Anderson,

I am sorry I was unable to meet you here today.  I fear it may be too late and the town is already lost to the undead.  I shall try to find a way to meet you- I'll alternate between here, the museum of the damned, and the haunted graveyard as they are the three least likely places the evil undead army will look for me. 

Love,

Hilda

PS I know of your legendary labido but would advise you not to try seducing the robo-librarian"

You put the book back on the shelf.  Learning what the word 'Splooosh' means can wait untill another day.

• Hang around and wait for Hilda
• Visit the museum of the damned
• Try seducing the robo-librarian

Zagreb

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ZAGREB

Ahhhh... Zagreb, the obvious place to take an adventure...  Who doesn't want to visit Croatia? 

You look at the city and... ummm... well, not much else to do here.  Why the blog did you decide to come to Zagreb?  You don't even speak Zagrebian.  About the only thing interesting here is a man with a sloppy haircut kicking a ball around Donji Grad.

Oh well... that was a waste of time. 

• Take the next boat to Spain
• Take the next boat to the Caribbean
• Wait a second!  Zagreb isn't boring... let's spend more time here.

Drowning the Puppy

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DROWNING THE PUPPY

Oh you cruel bar-steward.  You nasty-nasty person!  You pick the poor ickle puppy dog up.  He stares at you with sad mournfull eyes.  Pleading and wimpering as you pick him up to toss him in the ocean.

He licks your fingers and wags his tail, you lift him high above your head and throw him in the ocean.

Have I mentioned what a low down piece of scum you are?

Can't believe you drowned the puppy!  You are eeeeevvvviiiiiiiiillllllllll!!!!!

You get in the boat and start paddling.  Pretty soon the boat starts to leak- it's obvious it wont last long.

• Bail out the water and stay in the boat
• Abandon the boat and try swimming to shore

Running From The Giant Sand Slug

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RUNNING FROM THE GIANT SAND SLUG

You run away from the slug and head towards some nearby rocks.  You leap on them as the giant beasts' mouth closes down violently next to your feet clipping your toe nails in the process.

"You were lucky there, " a girl tells you from above the rocks.  She caught you by surprise.  "Few off-worlders survive attacks from Slug-Hulud."

The girl has no whites to her eyes.  Where normally it would be white it is green.  Her eyes have a strange green-on-green appearance.

"You show the signs of being our prophesised one, our Messiah; you arrive in the desert with a robe and a magic eight ball just as was prophesized.  Tell me, are you the one known as Moo Dibbs?"

• "Messiah Me?  I'm not the Messiah, I'm a very naughty boy"
• "Yes, I'm Moo Dibbs, I'm the Messiah.  Worship me."
• "I honestly don't know who I am.  I woke up with no memory of my former self"

The High Mclanders Village

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THE HIGH MCLANDERS VILLAGE

"Fa th' heel ur ye? " a voice beckons you as you walk towards the village.  A muscular man in a kilt, high heels, stockings and a flowery blouse looks at you.  He's carrying a sword in his handbag.

"I'm sorry, do you speak English?"

"English? Ah am 'spikin sassenach ye divit. I said fa ur ye? "

"I am sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.  I am a cold traveller may I have comfort in your village?  Please tell me, why are you wearing women's clothing?"

"It's a kilt ye dobber its whit men wear- noo prepaur tae die."

• Run for your life.
• Try to reason with the man.

Pirate Sword Fight

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PIRATE SWORD FIGHT

You grab a sword and try to remember everything you learnt from the films as a kid.

"Wax On, Wax Off, "  - or was that from karate kid?  What were the words of wisdon from pirates of the caribbean?  Your mind goes blank... too late now... here comes a pirate.

You raise your sword to fight and strike at the nearest pirate...

... arggghhh... too slow...  you are struck.

"Alas, I am slain."  you cry as you fall to the ground in a heap of blood.

• Die

Cave Dancing

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DISCO DANCING IN THE CAVE


Dancing like a madman you spin twirl and make all sorts of body gyrations that would make a nun blush.  Your arm brushes against a lever hidden in the rocks...  all of a sudden you find the floor open up below you and you go hurtling down a tube-like tunnel...  deeper and deeper into the earth's body you plunge... until finally at the bottom of the tunnel you see a light.

You hear singing and dancing and stomping feet...  you approach faster and faster until...  finally you come flying out landing in a pile of hay.

You are surrounded by lots of little people 3 to 4ft tall.  You are deep below the surface of the earth- who are these people living in the middle of the earth.

The singing stop as the curious little people turn to look at you.

"An uplander" one yells in surprise.  "A Magic eight ball" screams a second.  "I can see up his robe" chuckles a third.

• "Where am I?"
• "How did this pile of hay get here?  How do you get sunlight to grow plants down here in these caves?"
• "Do you lot know any ABBA songs?"

You are Dead

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YOU ARE DEAD

Yuppers, you're dead.

A sign confirms the fact.

"WELCOME TO THE AFTERLIFE" it says in flashing lights.

A small hairy man with a large bulbous nose sits at a desk infront of you.


"You look familiar he says scratching his chin... do I know you?"
"No, we've never met" you reply.
"Name, and Religion please?" he asks you as you slowly gain consciousness. 

Name?  Religion?  You don't know any of these things- you only remember the recent events since you woke in that clearing.  Then the man spots your magic eight-ball.

"Ahhhh!  You have a magic eight ball!" He beams at you as he notices your black ball.  "They're not called magic for nothing!  You can go back to the land of the living if you like- or you can enter the land of the dead here if you prefer- just give me your name and religion first."

• Make up a name "Björn Anderson, Christian"
• "I'm sorry, I don't know my name or religion."
• "I'd like to go back to the land of the living please!"

The Boat to Spain

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THE BOAT TO SPAIN

You board the boat heading to Spain.  Two names Fernando and Chiquitita stand out in your head as contacts you must try to reach.  You don't know why but they sound familiar.

The voyage is at first fairly uneventfull.  On the second day a massive storm whips up and threatens to engulf the boat.

Somehow, somewhere during the storm an iceburg is hit and Leonardo Dicaprio falls off the boat and drowns much to the merriment of the passengers.  The boat is sinking. 

"Abandon Ship" someone cries.  Moments later the captain agrees with that statement.

You rush to find a way out- finally you make your way to the very last lifeboat.  It's a very small one.  A cute little puppy is in the boat.

There is only room for you or the puppy.  (it's a very small life boat).

• Throw the puppy into the water
• Let the puppy live and stay aboard the ship.

The Desert

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For Information on Blog Your Own Badventure and how to use it click here. 



THE DESERT

Following the smell of cinammon you head into the hot waste lands of endless sands and dune.  The smell becomes stronger.

Suddenly you feel the sand begin to shake and a giant sand slug 100 ft long springs out from the sands.  Instinctively you know the giant sand slug is guarding whatever spice is giving off that cinammon aroma.  It opens it's mouth to eat you.

• Run away before you are eaten
• Stay and let yourself be eaten (life is all about experiencing new things)
• Ask the magic 8 ball if you should run

Welcome To Scotland

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WELCOME TO SCOTLAND

You keep walking through the snow and cold.  A few fingers and toes fall from your body as they freeze and snap.

You pass a street sign "Welcome tae scootlund" it pleasantly announces.  Up ahead you see two roads- one clearly continues into the mountains and promises more snow and ice.  The other points to a small village.  The smell of deep-friers pleasantly acost your nose.  You're about to walk to the village when you hear a voice behind you; it's a leprechaun.

"Ah woods bide awa' frae th' village if Ah waur ye laddy. "

 Surprised you ask him "arn't leprechaun's Irish?"

"Yoo'd be surprised whit we hae in scootlund. stay awa' frae th' village ur yoo'll be decapitated by th' fairly-high  McLanders. thaur can be only a one. "

• Ignore the leprechaun and head to the village- if any more toes fall off from frostbite you'll be as useless as Titus Bramble in your next 5-aside football game.
• Heed the advice of the leprechaun.  Face the cold some more and continue up into the mountains.

Hall Of Insults

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THE HALL OF INSULTS


Perhaps because you've a brain the size of a pea.  Perhaps because you're a sadomasochistic moron.

Whatever the reason, you haul your stinking arse into the hall of insults.  The door closes behind your odiforous body with a slam.  You turn in terror like the frightened rat you are and throw your bloated fat body against the door.

If you had any balls you'd take this like a man instead of being a cowardly turd.  You realise you made a mistake.  If this were a zombie flick- they'd bypass you looking for someone with more brains.

What a prune!

With all the wit of a raisen you decide you'll have to find another way to haul your pus ridden body out.

No windows.  Only doors.  One has an ugly picture of yo momma on the front.  The seconds has a mirror reflecting the image of your putrid body.  The third door has a big question mark on the front.


The following links need completing.

• Go through the door with the picture of yo-ugly-ass-momma on the front
• Shuffle your fat disgusting body through the second door
• Like the imbecille that you are, go through the third door

Sailing To The Caribbean

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SAILING TO THE CARIBBEAN

You decide to head for a more sunny climate and take the ocean route to the caribbean.

Ahhhh... Sun...  Sea...  Pirates...

PIRATES!

The dreaded skull and crossbones flag is raised on a nearby frigate and they sail towards you.  You hear the squarking of a parrot so you tell the lady next to you to shut her bloody bird up.  The pirates have a parrot too, it's sitting on the shoulder of a gnarly looking pirate with a wooden leg,  a hook, and two eye-patches.

You look around for help... You'll be boarded soon.  Soon after the boat is.

A frenzy of people are rushing to the life boats.  You spot scuba equipment on one deck chair; a sword on another.

• Arm yourself and prepare for a sword fight
• Head for a life boat
• Take the scuba equipment and dive
• Go hide in your cabin

Please Help Me Complete This Story

UNDER CONSTRUCTION...  YOU CAN COMPLETE THIS STORY ON YOUR BLOG

I'm sorry, that page has not yet been written- this link has deliberately not been completed to allow other authors the chance to continue this story.

Please send me an e-mail if you would like to complete this story. 

My e-mail address is:
seahokedrama [the "at" symbol]
gmail [dot]
com

Remember to tell me the page from which you would like to link and the user option that you would like to complete.  Please remember to follow the instructions and template of Blog Your Own Badventure- and remember to always leave "hooks" for others to continue the story from you.

If you're not feeling all that creative, don't want to write the story, or simply would just prefer to try some other story routes first- feel free to start again from the Blog Your Own Badventure Start Page.

Wild West Town

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For Information on Blog Your Own Badventure and how to use it click here. 


Wild West Town


You enter the town and quickly realise something isn't right.  You're not in Kansas anymore Toto.  Or maybe you are, was Kansas once part of the wild west? 

Several cowboys tip their hats at you as you walk into the town.  One cowboy is cooking beans.  Another one is eating beans.  Further down the street a third cowboy is passing gas to a rhythm suspiciously like dancing queen.

Your thirst is growing stronger and the saloon's swinging doors beckon to your senses.  However, it sounds like trouble is brewing within the saloon- the sound of fighting can be heard and a wiry man is thrown from the doors landing at your feet.


The following links need completing.

• Ask the wiry man if he needs help
• Walk into the saloon
• Walk to the farting cowboy and ask him "excuse me sir, are you farting an ABBA song?"

Entrance To The Cave

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ENTRANCE TO THE CAVE


You enter the cave shuddering from the cold.  You look out relieved watching as the snow falls harder and harder.  You look for means to make a fire but you see none.

Bored you spend your time practicing disco moves whilst humming dancing queen to yourself.  You wonder if this is how the ancient cavemen lived their lives.  Boogying as the snow fell outside.

• Ask your magic eight ball if cavemen liked to disco
• Keep disco dancing in the cave

The Dusty Town

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THE DUSTY TOWN


You walk into the town.  Fernandoville.  It is deserted. Words... a poem you once knew perhaps, or a song come to your head:

There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer

'tis a strange town in which you find yourself.  A feeling of foreboding washes over you.  Fear.  Dread.  Your body shivers and you see your life splinter in many different directions as if reflected from a disco ball.

Most of the buildings in this ghost town look deserted.  Even the magic 8-ball in your pocket suddenly feels cold and detached.

Shuddering you look around.  Three buildings attract your attention and you decide to investigate.

Do you

• Visit the hall of insults
• Go to the library
• Enter the museum of the damned

At The Coast

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AT THE COAST

You come to a shore line and follow it, briefly stopping to take a pee in the ocean when you think no-one is looking.  The waters grow murky and golden sands yield to asphault and concrete as you reach a port.

No-one seems concerned that you are wearing nothing but a bathrobe, there again, you're not the only one.  Some are muttering to themselves "stupid 8-ball," others are singing dancing queen as they look around for hyperlinks to continue their journey.

Not knowing who you are, or where you are, you could ask someone for help.  Instead you decide to take a ride on a boat.  There are three boats leaving; a ride on any costs £100.  You look in your wallet and £100 magically appears.

• Take a boat to the caribbean
• Take a boat to Spain
• Take a boat to Zagreb

The Prairie

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For Information on Blog Your Own Badventure and how to use it click here. 


THE PRAIRIE


You are in a prairie.  A lonely coyote howls in the distance and prairie-dogs scatter as they seem you coming.  As you walk the grass gets thinner and more sparse.  The air begins to dry and you begin to develop a thirst.

You see a small town in the distance; the sound of merriment from a tavern echos across the empty plains to your ears.  South of the town the prairie continues it's turn to desert and the sands oddly draw you towards them.  An odd aroma of cinnamon lures you out to the sands.

• Head into the town
• Follow your nose into the desert

The Mountains

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THE MOUNTAINS


You decide to head into the mountains.  What's not to love about the mountains?  High peaks, trees, streams, and... grrrr snow.

You begin to wish you were wearing something more substantial than a bath robe.  It's friggin' freezing in the mountains and snow is falling hard.  It looks like a blizzard is coming.  The psychotic part of you says, push on, it's only a little snow; the more human side of you, the side that likes to blare dancing queen from your car stereo says you need to take shelter.

There is what looks like a cave in the side of one mountain.  Who knows what foul beast or ABBA hating people could be sheltered in there?

• Keep on walking, a little snow never hurt anyone
• Take refuge in the cave

Ask the Magic 8 Ball.

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ASKING THE MAGIC 8 BALL


With your heart set on knowing the answer you close your eyes and shake the ball...  you wait, open your eyes and look down...

The magic 8 ball says "Ask Again Later..."

You wait a minute and then prepare to try again...

• Ask The Magic 8 Ball Again

BYOB - Start Page

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THE BEGINNING

You wake up dazed in a clearing.  You don't know who you are, where you are, or what you're doing.  All you know is that you're wearing nothing but a bathrobe, your head aches, and you've got the song dancing queen stuck in your head.

Your only possessions are, a wallet and a magic eight-ball.

To the north you see mountains high and stately.  To the east you can make out a dusty town, although you see no movement or signs of life.  To the west winds roll over a prairie whilst southwards is the coast.


You can:

• Head north to the mountains
• East to the town
• South to the coast
• West to the prairie
• Ask the magic 8-ball:  "Will I succeed?"  (don't do it)